One plus 'One' ⇋ One, because the other 'one' never existed.
Attachment with anyone is very difficult for me. Some of my friends and even I wonder how is that possible for anyone. Isn't it weird if you hear that person X does not have emotions. Of course it is. Even for me. But I wasn't emotionless before. Some incidents have transformed me into what I am today. It isn't bad. It helps me a lot. It made me stronger mentally and emotionally too. I made me confident in front of everyone. I don't get distracted from small things or emotions of people. Some of my friends say that my behavior is unpredictable because my decision are never based of attachments.
I'm elder son of my parents. So never got company of elder brother or sister. Except my cousins, who used come to our town during their exams only. When my cousin had exams I had someone to share. But after her exams when she returned I used to miss her. I wanted an elder sister at that time, just to help me through stresses. I missed only that thing in life. I had two villein friends, who used to criticize me on everything thing just because they thought they are over smart. Once my maternal cousin visited us. I told them about her. One of them said " she is not you real sister and nothing is like blood relation." I was hurt. I was sentimental person. I started hating this thing. At the same time I started writing. I used to write fictional stories with some fictional characters. I wrote all those stories in my diary, which was gifted by my father. As Ann Frank wrote all her thing to her doll, I started to write to an imaginary person who is my elder sister, KayD.
This name is actually inspired from worst situations I had. I used to console myself by talking to imaginary elder sibling "okay didi, I'll handle it and I'll be fine". And this Okay Didi' become KayD. I writing most of the time. Idea of this imaginary cousin was inspired from Shaka laka boom boom (A kids show, in which character named Sanju makes a man Jhumaru with magical pencil and later they become friends forever. Magical pencil could make any drawing real. So I tried if my pen could do the same). I was in love with KayD, because I could have shared everything with her through my diary. I never read what I had written once in my diary. And I never read my blog too. Once it is written, it is written.
When I was in Kota for my IIT-JEE coaching, I used to wrote there too. And this was something I'll always remember from my diary. It was after our 3rd cumulative test in resonance. Cumulative test was test of full syllabus. During our break between two classes when I was standing with one of friend in lobby of CG tower of resonance. That friend started crying in front of me just because he scored only 43% and my score was 56 in that test. He said he didn't talk to her mother to save time for studies and even then he is not able to score. I asked to be patient, his hard work will shine some day. I consoled him and after that we moved for next class.
I returned to my room after having lunch on the same day. I used to sleep for an hour after the lunch and to study after that till dinner. I was about to sleep and I got call from Abhishek, my school junior who was taking coaching in Kota for IIT-JEE. He said he was also not feeling well and if I could visit him. I told him that ill be at his room when I'll go to market for tea. I needed to sleep at that time. He agreed to meet me at 6 o'clock.
I went to his room after having tea. We talked for some time and then I got call from an unknown no. I picked up the call. I asked who was it ? It was a girl, who replied it's 'KayD'. I again asked 'who?'. She again replied it's 'KayD'. Voice was not clear so I asked her that wait a minute, and let me call you. I asked Abhishek if he had balance in his phone. He waved his head in no. I gave him 100 Rupees to get a recharge on his mobile no immediately. He ran towards the mobile shop. Within 3-4 minutes I called that no again.
I asked again for the confirmation KayD, is it you? It was surprising because she didn't exist. She said 'yes Piyush. it's KayD'. I asked what happened why did you call me, is everything okay ? She said 'yes (with a break) everything is great.' I asked 'KayD are you crying? Are you okay?' She said 'earlier I wasn't but your voice made me cry. And yes it's my marriage and you are not here. This thing made me sad. I said 'KayD I can not come, because of this schedule of classes in Kota. It is not possible to leave even one class.' She said 'its okay. You study well and take care.' And talk continued for an hour. After that long talk I came to room and studies till 1 in night and slept.
That was the first and last time I talked to KayD. I loved that. What happened in last very disappointing. Ayush, my cousin who was living in Kota with me, came from the class and knocked the door. I woke up and realized all it was a dream. KayD does not exist. KayD, whom I loved, never existed. It was 5pm. He wondered I was sleeping this late. It was our tea time. We went for the tea and later I visited Abhishek. He was fine. I told about the day. He also told me about his and later I came to room and started studying.
Situations are not always as you them to be. Time changes everything. We can not expect someone or somebody to be same, because life is a race and everything and everybody moves. I also expected someone to be same for some time till I become mature to live in this world. But I didn't know that maturity comes with struggle. Worst the struggle, more mature you are. KayD never existed for real life. This is the worst thing for me. Somewhere in my heart there is a weak point and that is KayD. I'll never let anyone reach there. That why I'm unpredictable, mature and stone-hearted person. Nothing but KayD made me who I am. Best I have and worst I have its all because of KayD.
You never existed but I loved you KayD.
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