Void

“Love fills up the void in your life, that’s what people say. But no, it creates a void,” he thought while sitting on chairs, waiting for boarding for his flight to begin. These days flights often get delayed, all credit to the weather in Delhi, but it will be well in Mumbai.

“Maybe you had the void already in your life, but it was not in focus. Now, love brings it forward, and you can’t focus anywhere else. I knew I was right,” he thought, with a Duchenne smile on his face. But then the air hostess announced that they had started the boarding. He was in business class, thus got to go in first, with bigger legroom and ample space to write during the flight. Also, you get some other perks by being a senior citizen. He walked slowly, one step at a time, with a slight inclination left and right with each step. Staff helped him with his baggage, and he boarded.

“Hah… weather is good here,” he thought after landing in Mumbai. A person holding a placard with his name, Ved, approached him. He confirmed and went straight to the Taj Hotel, where he would usually stay on his once-a-year trip to Mumbai. The place he came to on his first date with Vani was at the Taj. Also, it’s closest to the Gateway, where they sat for a while and then went to Marine Drive on foot, talking, and they didn’t feel that it was a long way. Later that night, when they realized they did not want this conversation to end, they lay down on the wide wall, like many others, and they did not know when they fell asleep. Since then, they have come here every year, the same day, doing everything they did on that first date.

After checking into the hotel, he asked for room 311, the day they went on their first date and later got married, on the same day three years later, 3rd Nov 1989. While giving him room keys, the receptionist wished him for his anniversary. He smiled back affirmatively. They were regulars, and almost everybody there knew them because he used to pre-book and used to ask for that room, saying it was sea-facing and he could see the Gateway from the room as well.

“Who forgets anniversaries anyways?” he thought. “Nowadays, people do, because they have such short memories. The whole generation has drowned in their mobile phones, and it has sucked the concentration out of them. They miss the most important feelings of life just because they want to record it and save it for later. Money should be saved, and moments should be lived, but somehow they are convinced it’s vice versa. Not my headache to make the world a better place anyways,” he thought and entered the room.

That same evening, he got ready for the regular routine, with his side bag, which contained a book, “Thousand Years of Solitude,” a water bottle, a few medicines for blood pressure, and some chocolates. He wore his white shirt and grey pants. Vani liked it under-folded, so he followed that. She too followed a few rituals, but he chose not to think a lot about them, so he could just live them when she was around.

The way they did it made it feel like they just relived that first day every year. They would come to Mumbai on their own, separately, then meet at a restaurant for dinner, go to the Gateway, walk to Marine Drive, and sleep there on the footpath wall. That’s when Vani would keep her arm over him and hug him. She knew he liked it and would sleep peacefully on his shoulder. He loved it, holding her, looking at the sky, and listening to the waves. It was a bit cold at that time, but it felt good. Whoever said, “Love is in the air,” might have meant this feeling only.

But this year, he was silent. Not a word came out of his mouth since he landed in Mumbai. Though he wrote a few things in his diary, just a habit of taking notes on things to have well-matured thoughts. He went to the restaurant, waited for a while, then ordered at the right time, and had dinner. He walked slowly to the Gateway, sat there for a while. It took more time now as he was old, walked all the way to Marine Drive, picked a spot, and slept there as they always did.

Vani by his side. People would call them Ved-Vani. They were always admired by everyone around. The kind of love you read in books or see in movies was what they were living. They didn’t know why it happened with them. They considered themselves lucky. They never missed a moment to love, expressed in whatever forms possible because life is short, and you never know when it will end. So they lived by, “Love till you live.” Vani would sleep the same way while talking after all these years, as if they were newlywed or new lovebirds, even after all these years. The warmth of Vani kept him drowned in love that he never realized how cold the air was around.

But things were different now because a dog came to his left, where he was lying down. This had never happened before. It looked at him and then turned its face towards the ocean and sat. Things were different, not because of the dog, but because her warmth was not there. He felt cold. All this silence was eating him up. People around were talking, but nothing soothed his ears. All these talks seemed like noise. Suddenly there was too much noise. Not everybody could hear that as most of it was internal noise.

“I was right, love does not fill the void, but it creates one. Even the ocean in front cannot fill this void. I know. I always knew,” he thought and had tears in his eyes. He was losing his breath and voice as well.

“Ha, I am not able to speak. Did I just lose my voice? Vani, are you there?”

But there was no one to respond to this.

“Can’t these people listen to me? I am shouting. Why are the ocean waves louder? They have never been so loud,” he thought.

He took a long breath and said to himself, “Be calm, Ved. You are a grown-up man. Don’t worry. She will be here soon. Stop crying. Take a deep breath. Your lungs will expand, the diaphragm will go down, and your heart will get more space. Thus, it would reduce the heartbeat, and you’ll get calmer. Wait a few minutes.”

After a while, he was calm. He didn’t feel the cold again, couldn’t even listen to the noise around, which was too loud to call it bearable. And now, all of a sudden, it was gone, and it was peaceful.

He slept, probably never to wake up again, at least he wouldn’t want to. Because the void was too big to fill. Even the ocean in front couldn’t. Vani could, but he lost his voice.

Maybe he was right, “Love doesn’t fill the void, it creates one.”